Recognizing and establishing our boundaries is vital to our emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health. The holidays can be one of the toughest times to stand your ground without causing a scene. We often need an outsider’s help to determine that our boundaries are fair because we’re used to catering to what others want from us (especially people-pleasers). The holidays are a time for family and connection. But what if there are topics you know are going to cause discomfort?
What if you don’t eat the same way the rest of your family does?
What if a tradition doesn’t work for you anymore?
What if a particular family member is likely to aggravate unwelcome political opinions or beliefs?
Whew, these gatherings can be emotionally exhausting. It isn’t always necessary to confront every comment or call out every prejudiced statement; however, it is important that you stand up for yourself in alignment with your values. So how can we prepare ourselves for these challenges? First off, it’s very important that you remain calm and communicate directly without shaming or blaming (no matter how justified you feel in doing so). That takes away any chance of them genuinely listening to your concern. If someone expects you to host or do a lot of work towards a particular tradition that you aren’t feeling up for, you can be honest without lashing out.
For example, you may want to say, “But nobody ever helps me clean up and it’s too much!” or Why do I always have to decorate the house?”. Try simplifying and reframing it like “I don’t have the energy or schedule to host and clean up. What if we made it a potluck?” or “I’m glad you like how I decorate but I’ve got too much going on. I need to hand that off to somebody else this year.” Family and friends may resist or push. That’s when simplistic assertive words can help. Less can be more. “Please don’t say that to me because it makes me uncomfortable” or “I know we disagree about this, so let’s change the subject so we don’t ruin the evening” are great ways to show your stance without stepping on theirs. Boundaries are about what you do, not what others do. If you have asked someone to change the subject or not talk to you in a certain way and they continue, unfortunately, that is out of your control. However, what you can control is what you choose to do. You can leave the room or the event if that person is unwilling to acknowledge your boundary.
(Check out The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free by Melissa Urban for actual phrases and recommendations for handling these situations.)
As narcissistic abuse therapists, we at Forward Emotion are well-versed in the challenges of standing up for ourselves. Even a small boundary can feel incredibly daunting and cause a lot of internal guilt. We want our family to enjoy our company and it can feel threatening to test that. However, we are devoted to helping women find their voices and reclaim their power. Don’t hesitate to reach out to us!
Another common challenge of the holidays is celebrating when you are missing the presence of a lost loved one. If this resonates with you, keep an eye out for an upcoming announcement about our safe and healing Death Cafe workshop experience coming soon. Another exciting event we have coming up is our SoulCollage workshop which will be held on 12/4/22 from 1:00pm – 3:30pm. Register by contacting lynne@life-after-loss.com or 630.567.8171.
If you need support during this time of year, you can learn more about our services (women’s therapy, EMDR therapy, Reiki, Tarot, and more!) on our website or by contacting us at 630-999-8236 or info@forwardemotion.com.
Sources:
Burn, Shawn M. “Holiday Boundaries.” Psychology Today. Nov 22 2016.
