Last month many schools celebrated No Name-Calling Week, an event created in 2004 to fight bullying and name-calling in kids from pre-school to high school. As I thought about anti-bullying, and not calling names, I started thinking about how we as adults have a tremendous opportunity to stop our own internal name-calling. As adults, and women especially, we are frequently our own internal bully, our own private mean girl, saying things to ourselves we would never dream of saying to a stranger or a friend.
So what makes a mean girl?
Mean girls engage in bullying through a behavior called relational aggression. They talk badly about others, backstab other girls, make fun of others and how they look or dress. Mean girls often leave nasty notes for other girls, either physical notes or on social media. They do everything they can to tear down another girl’s confidence and also exclude her from their clique. Essentially mean girls drive home the message again and again that their victim is not good enough to be part of a desirable group of people until the victim believes it to be true.
For many women, this is not much different than how we treat our own selves. I mean, seriously. Think about some of the thoughts that go through your own head and imagine writing them on a post-it note and leaving it on the desk of a co-worker, friend or relative. Or on the desk of a younger you or your own child. How would that person feel if she read, “Those jeans look like shit on you, your muffin top is hanging over and you look disgusting.” Or “Your skin looks awful, those bags under your eyes are ridiculous and those wrinkles need some Botox, stat (most likely those comments are kinder than what you are actually saying to yourself)!”
Chances are, if you are reading this blog, if you are interested in topics like mental health and wellness, you would never dream of leaving such a note for a child or a grown woman. Yet many women have no issues talking to themselves like this, of saying horrible things to ourselves about our bodies, our faces, our skills, and abilities.
According to an article from Psychology Today, “Negative self-talk often does not reflect one’s reality, and can paralyze people into inaction and self-absorption.” Just like bullies and mean girls work to wear away your confidence, the more you talk badly about yourself, the more you start to believe it.
In fact, we often believe that mean girl inside of us more than we believe our own friends and families when they say nice things to us. All too often we apply a different (and much more strict) set of rules and expectations to ourselves than we do to the people we love. We see our friends for their natural beauty, their great qualities, and their successes, while at the same time picking apart what we see as our flaws and areas that need work.
So how do we stop our internal mean girl from wreaking any more havoc? How do we shut her bullying down, especially if she has been at it for years?
Journaling
You can start identifying the mean girl things that you say to yourself by keeping a journal of your negative thoughts. After you identify the thought and write it down, try to restate it in a positive, productive way. Instead of, “You sounded like an idiot during your presentation today” you can rephrase it, “The audience was very interested in what you had to say, and you have a week to practice your delivery before the next meeting.”
Proactive Positive Affirmations
When you start each day with positive affirmations, you get ahead of your inner mean girl and her attempts to knock you down. Positive affirmations help you train your mind to choose a positive point of view. You can add these to your journal, too, so that you have affirmations ready for days you struggle to find the positive. The more you state your affirmations out loud, the more you will believe them deep down and knock your inner bully down a few pegs until she gives up and retreats. This is where that phrase, “fake it til you make it” can really come to life.
Talk to an Expert
One of our goals at Forward Emotion is to help you rediscover yourself and enjoy being you. That’s why we went to school, earned our certifications and degrees, and come into the office every day to work with people just like you. We know how awesome you are even when you don’t, and we have a variety of tools to help you speak to yourself in a kinder, gentler manner. We can sometimes have a mean girl inside of us and we are firm believers of practicing what we preach. It works!
